I've sat down to write about a topic that I have been tossing around in my head for a few days. I keep coming up blank or it feels like it's forced. I try to make sure that most of what I write comes from a place of calm and serenity. I don't have those things today. What I mean, is my thoughts are everywhere and nowhere. I am angry, not just at others but also myself as well. I just don't understand why it has taken me so long to know what I deserve. Not just from a relationship, but life as well.
I have this overwhelming guilt for how I treated this individual in my life, this is the one thing I know that I can never make right. No matter how badly I want to, I cannot be that selfish to rip open their wound. I'm not talking about an old flame or some Ex-girlfriend. This isn't some mistake that was made, I caused real damage. I have been so angry with myself, more like disgusted with that behavior. I had someone I took advantage of financially for a VERY long time. I used to get mad at her whenever she would send money. I would justify my actions, by blaming it on her. That is the part I am disgusted with the most, how could anyone be that cold, that without feeling. The answer is simply this, I wasn't without guilt, there was very much guilt and very much shame.
It was really pointless really, all that money, all those lies, and for what? To be a big shot, to show off at the bar, or to impress some girl. I poisoned my soul for absolutely no other reason than I felt like I deserved it. I hurt her because she let me, that is how distorted my mind was. I heard something the other day that really hit home with me. It basically said that if you wanted things to be different, you had to be able to picture it. How many of us believe in our vision? I mean, truly believe in the way we are living and the direction in which we are heading. Or are you even heading anywhere?
The reason it feels like I have been spinning my wheels is that I have never forgiven myself completely for my past. I have yet to move on from it. I decided that I needed to carry this with me, and I didn't even realize it until recently. Again I have been standing in my own way wondering why the fuck I feel stuck! The more time that I spend without drinking and drugging, the more time that I spend learning from my mistakes, the more I know how to fight. However, fighting myself has proven to be foolish and counterproductive, to say the least. I am no longer going to allow myself to punish myself. I am not the person that made those selfish choices, I have worked diligently to get as far away from that mindset as possible. Life is painful and sometimes we are going to be the ones that hurt us the most. Forgiveness is essential to growth, and resentment is a key ingredient in misery. I have resented the fuck out of the man typing this blog for what a different version of me did. That is so very unfair to the work I have put in.
At this point in my life, I don't have the means to ever repay what I took from her. I will at some point do what I can, even if that is just living a life that doesn't involve doing something like that again. Not everyone who reads my words can ever understand what it feels like to look in the mirror and see a monster. Thank god for that because I see one every day, I just make sure he's caged. Forgiveness is freedom, so how free do you want to be, and what are you willing to do to obtain that freedom? Whatever it is, I hope it brings you peace, and I hope it brings you FREEDOM!