One of the biggest obstacles along my journey has been the inability to consistently believe in my own success. I thought that when things started going well for me, I would naturally know how to embrace it. I was quite mistaken; I had yet to learn what to do after I started to evolve. Just because I had changed and the work was paying off, I had never felt more lost. I was like an imposter wandering aimlessly in a world that was so very foreign to me. Even today, there are moments in which I can't believe the life that I live.
The thing about starting to change later in life is that we are already scarred by the impact of our experiences. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks!"
My entire life, I was a failure at everything I did except addiction and doing time; this was the natural order of things in my world. I was comfortable here; I knew how to set the bar so low that any act of normalcy was to be celebrated. When I was in the process of teaching others to succeed, I forgot to apply these principles to my own mindset. Love, trust, being dependable, all these things always came with a price; there were ulterior motives more times than not. So here I am with a new life and outlook, and I am overwhelmed because I have never been here before. People are now looking to me to take care of things and to do it on a consistent basis. Walking the talk was finally my reality; however, I still didn't understand it. This wasn't a fantasy; I might have been working towards this; however, it would appear that I forgot an essential component. What was I going to do with it when I got it? Think about it, if you get a pet, there are preparations to be made. You must bring it home with at least some food and a place to sleep. You must be able to care for this pet; there must be room for it in your life. Otherwise, what happens? It will be a disaster; all involved will face challenges that could've been avoided.
Learning to succeed was a lot easier for me than accepting my success. I had an underlying belief that I didn't deserve it and that I wouldn't have any sustainability. I didn't believe it myself; I, too, was skeptical of the new me. When I say the new me, that doesn't mean that the person I was no longer exists. It means that I stopped long enough to get honest and put in some work. I slowly removed the things that no longer served my new journey, the obvious things that were in my way. It was easy to clear the wreckage seen with the naked eye; the underlying distorted view that I still had of myself was more complicated. Nobody knows more about what I have seen or done than I do. It was time to truly forgive myself and embrace my new role.
There are still days that I feel like I am a stranger to myself; those moments of doubt will probably forever linger. Waiting for their moment to pounce to take me back down the rabbit hole of insanity. Today I have the power to change my mindset to free myself from self-imposed restraints. Being on a journey of self-discovery is just that; you discover who you are and what you deserve through your actions. Not the things you must do; I am talking about what you decide to do. You wouldn't invest money in a company that was going out of business. Then stop investing in things that take away your peace; free yourself from yourself. It really is that simple!
Your words reach deep inside me and I feel like you wrote some of this just for me. So many others would feel the same!!