First I would like to apologize for being away from my blog for awhile. Sometimes in my life I have to take a step back and regroup.I was running on empty and felt like a hypocrite. I was just going through the motions and had to ask myself "What's it all for?" I was losing focus and more importantly, my faith. I was so lost and had to truly fight internally to hold on. But I did, I held on until my hands hurt, and then I squeezed tighter.
I have always said that my children are my heroes, and I will say that now more than ever. I am responsible to them, no matter what is going on at work or in my personal life. Being their daddy is a full time job. It will never stop, I know this and it has saved my life. I have been able to learn so much from them. Patience being the biggest lesson.Being on a journey of self-discovery and feeling like I lost myself is kind of ironic if you think about it. I had this vision of what I thought finding myself would look like. I had expectations, and that was where I fucked up. I already wrote the script in my head. I wasn't really discovering much that I didn't already know.
Now this doesn't mean that I wasn't changing and developing my arsenal for life, because I have been. I just haven't been applying them to the all the right situations because I was putting myself where I thought I should be. I was once again imposing my will, and I paid the price however, it was a fair price. Stupid should hurt and it did! I had to make some tough choices and admit that I had once again made a mess of things. The saving grace is that instead of my mess being catastrophic, it was manageable. It was manageable because I finally started to realize that once again I was fishing for bluegill with a musky pole. The hardest part about that for me, was I know better and yet here I was. Not drinking or drugging, yet I was as miserable as if I had been. If you're aware of it, take care of it. I was aware and I was stuck in myself I couldn't see past the red. The anger had me trapped in my ego, I wanted nothing more than to rip apart what hurt me. I had rage, I wasn't present in my recovery or any other aspect of my daily life. I was on major auto-pilot and I was heading right for a crash.
Well, here I am I didn't crash! Not only did I not crash, I learned the biggest lessons of my life and for that I am grateful for it all. Growth should not come easy and stupid should hurt. I am free today, I am free today because I have made to choice to embrace that freedom. I don't want to keep feeling like there isn't a point. Feeling hopeless because I allowed myself to overlook things. I felt guilt for my success and allowed myself to be treated in the worst way ever.I had once again somehow become my worst enemy. This was on me and believe it or not, it always is. I know that sounds harsh however, think about it. I am in charge of how and what is living rent free in my thoughts. I needed to go back to the basics, and humble myself. The wonderful thing about not being a piece of shit anymore is the difference in what starting from the basics looks like. I am not in trouble, homeless, strung out, or unemployed. My problem is a lot more complicated than any of those things.Because the problem is me.
This means that I know the solution as well because that is also me. Let me ask you this. If you were given 48 hours to live, and you found out that you have been carrying around a winning lottery ticket. You have been carrying this ticket since as far back as you can remember. This is a life changing ticket, the kind of money that you will never have to worry again. How would you feel? You would more than likely spend that last 48 hours thinking about what ifs. Well it's too fucking late at this point, you had the chance to change your whole life. You bought the ticket, so at some point you must've believed in your chances. So what happened? It's not to late for most of us, now some will argue that is is never too late as long as you have breath. Well that is bullshit!! If you have 48 hours to live and that's when you decide to change, save it. The time is now, I have the winning ticket, I always have. I didn't know it, and I am still looking for a place to cash it however, I am well aware of it. I know what is in my possession, and I will cash it in.